Charlie Discovers Online Dating

Charlie Discovers Online Dating

After countless nights out and wondering around Tesco’s late at night  hoping Mr Right and I would casually bump into each other in the Wine section; where I fantasised our eyes would meet, and he would  comment on how Rosé was his favourite choice of wine too and how maybe we should share a bottle sometime. I quickly realised this wasn’t going to happen and that the only people I found in the section were smelly alcoholics; whilst I developed a terrible habit of buying a bottle of wine a night. I’d done the disappointing blind dates with a friend of a friend and sat through the awkwardness of me not having the slightest bit of attraction to their loser mates. I  often thought that some of my friends were doing this as an excuse; to show off there wonderful partners and to remind me of what was actually left in our dwinderling friendship. I often spent my time in these situations thinking in my head some terrible thoughts, like I  wondered what they would do if I just got my coat, walked up and snogged  their boyfriends and left. That would serve them right for the time they’d wasted on reminding me that actually, I do not know one decent looking and smelling guy.

I was doomed to a life of my mother reminding me of my failings and reminding me how all my friends cousins and the world, basically had  settled down and had babies…. and what was wrong with me?! Oh and don’t get me started on the single disease; yes ladies and gentleman, in Charlie’s world being single had turned into some kind of disease. Not literally of course; well it’s not yet listed in the medical dictionary; but my world and the people in it seem to think that because I am half attractive and now in my mid twenties (yes I have turned 25) there must be something wrong with me.

I couldn’t get what Isabella had said to me out of my head, was my Mr Right online? I’d always thought that online dating was for geeks who had no ability to converse with people or people who couldn’t leave the house, not someone like Isabella. She was too cool for that. I mean she could have anyone, male or female. So I thought I’d give it a go. I needed to brush up on my dating techniques anyway. So I trawled the internet looking for a site where the people looked normal and it was easy to use. I hated having to fill in all these compatibility BullS**t tests and countless questions. So I filled in my profile put a few pics on and had a good look through the potential dates. God, there’s more choice here than any bar I’ve been in recently. This is great! I’m shopping online for a man and as I love shopping online, I can’t fail.

 I wake up the next morning surprised to find my inbox full of potential dates; and they’re not losers they’re doctors, solicitors and business owners. God even my mother would be happy with this lot! I spend the next couple of hours replying and feeling good that at last my luck was changing. When people say you meet people in life for a reason, I really believe that I met Isabella that night for a reason. To tell me what I’d been missing....

Charlie's Back

Charlie's Back

It's been two weeks since my last entry and I’ve lost 10 pounds with the help of my mother’s not so delicious home cooking and her subliminal messages and insinuations that I am in fact, overweight. Part of me thinks that her motive to get me looking my best is so she can get me married off to the first guy that shows the slightest bit of interest. That way I’m out of her hair and she can save face with all of her friends that I’m not some spinster that’s ultimately going to be left on the shelf. I can see it now, her dreaded response when someone asks, "So....where is your daughter living? Well....She’s still living at home." This will be uttered with a tone of disappointment and shame, yet she will try to remain proud!

Whatever her reasons, I’m feeling and looking good and everyone is commenting on how great I look. Which makes a change from the usual.... ‘You’re looking well’ remarks, which we all know is a polite way of saying FAT. Anyway, I’ve purchased a totally fab new dress for the big night out tonight. It’s a sexy little number which cost me a small fortune but hey, you can’t put a price on that feeling of when you put something new on and it feels incredible. Its black of course, silk, short and boned so it pulls me in, in all the right places. I’ve had the spray tan, the nails done and I’ve discovered this fab new hair in Selfridges which I just clip in and I must say, I’m looking like a member of Girls Aloud right now. Well in my head I do. I’ve honestly not had this much money to myself or felt this good in a long time. I’m wondering why I spent so long putting a loser before my fabulous self for all those years. The resentfulness takes over for a minute or two while I get angry over all the time, money and energy I’ve spent the last few years on someone who didn’t give two s**ts about me. Deep breaths I tell myself, I must not mess up the makeup.

I head out with a recently single friend and we go over to the posh bit of town. My friend thinks it would be good for me to meet a rich guy and you know what.... I agree. That’s what I need, a rich guy who can look after me for a change. As I queue up to get in the one decent bar, the creatively named 161 and its number position on the street; I quickly realize that I don’t really fit in, I mean I look the part.... kind of. We enter the bar and I go straight to the toilets to apply more make up as I feel the pressure building up inside me; mainly due to the women in there who instantly look you up and down to see if you’re competition or not.

My friend heads to the bar and orders some cocktails for the two of us. I look around the toilets and I notice that the women here fall into two categories; the wag wannabes with their curvaceously skinny bodies which are maintained by a regular coke habit and plastic glaze, I’ve nicknamed them the 1666 (16 from the back 66 for the front). I fit neither of these, I was neither fat nor thin, rich nor poor, and I was definitely not trying desperately to climb the celebrity social ladder or to hold on to a youth which had long past me by. I felt out of place here, distinctively average and there was only one thing to do.... get drunk and quick!

I proceeded to the bar trying to look as sexy as possible whilst holding my stomach in and my boobs out, ‘God this is hard work’ I thought to myself. I started drinking and drinking, so fast my friend couldn’t keep up. I headed to the bar to order more drinks.... it was there that I met a girl called Isabella. She was 30 years old, bisexual and lived off countless boyfriends or sugar daddies as she liked to call them. She was a funny character and wasn’t what I would call conventionally beautiful but had a personality and the confidence that would draw anyone in. We had a couple of drinks together and she commented on how pretty I was and how after the ordeal I had been through, I should go online and meet some wealthy guys like she did. It wasn’t long before her 'sugar daddy' came over and asked if I would like to join them back at their penthouse apartment. It was at this point that I made my excuses, got my coat and friend (who I had deserted) and we left to go and get a pizza in a vain effort to soak up the copious levels of the alcohol in our system and gossip over the nights events.

All night I tossed and turned on my friend’s sofa thinking about what Isabella had said to me.... was my Mr. Right really online? ........

The Break up Shopping Trip

The Break up Shopping Trip

It's Friday night, I’ve text my whole phone book and Face booked all my female friends; who just so happened to all be attached and unavailable for the next month. God what is it with these people in a relationship needing a months notice to fit me in between their christenings, weddings and bloody baby showers, it's all bollo%&*. I’m weighing up all my options. Do I go out with the freak from uni that always had a secret crush on me? Or my one single girl mate, who to be honest borders on being a bunny boiler? God I must be getting desperate to consider these, any company would do at the moment…. Night in I think!

The parents are away for the weekend and I have the house to myself for some well deserved Charlie time. I know, I’ll go shopping and get myself a good DVD, bottle of wine and a take away.... that’s what I need.

So.....I drive to Tesco, listening to the Destiny Child song ‘Survivor’ in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better about my new single status; whilst debating what to do with a whole weekend to myself. I pull up and head straight to the wine aisle. Rosé is what is needed tonight, then it’s off to purchase my two new favorite men Ben and Jerry; and finally the all important tear jerker movie. What should I get? Something that will make me utterly depressed; that would be Romeo and Juliet, The Notebook, Titanic, Beaches and Sex and the City. Oh! And now I need something that will cheer me up, mmm The Break Up and Sliding Doors (which just so happens to be directed by my loser of an ex best friends cousin). Ok choices choices…. Right, I’ll have them all. After all, I deserve it after what I’ve been through.

Ok next stop, Boarders. I need some inspiration and guidance so I head straight to the self help section. Where the shelves are crammed with fitting titles and I find myself laughing out loud at some of the advice from ‘Lose the Loser.’ Great, I’m slowly turning into a Northern version of Bridget Jones, including the granny knickers. And let’s face it; no one’s going down there for a while…. Several titles later I head to the counter to spend another £60 I don’t have on books. I have the wine, the break up food, the DVDs and half of the self help section in my car, it’s off to Boots. I go and stock up on bubble bath, face masks and anything else that I can find that will make me feel better.

It’s Sunday evening and I seem to have lost the entire weekend watching depressing movies, eating junk and reading self help books which have had zero impact on me. I’ve had my phone switched off all weekend and when I turned it on I discovered all my friends messages of support and plans for nights out ahead. My mood suddenly changes and I arrange the next month for wild nights, spin classes and weekends away. This single malarkey isn’t that bad after all….

OMG I'm Single.......................................

OMG I'm Single.........................................

So I’ve packed my bags, I’ve waved the idiot goodbye and I’m on route to the parents with a car full of junk I don’t want or need. I’m Charlie by the way. I’m 24, single and completely confused as to whether or not I’ve just made the best or worst decision of my life. I guess there’s no going back. I now face the world as a young single woman for the first time since I was 17….Bloody Hell! It’s the first time I’ve been single as an adult. Ok, I can do this. It can’t be that hard, women twice my age with four kids are on their own. I am, at last, a strong and free independent woman.... or so I try and tell myself.

"Ok.... I arrive at my parents and Mum greets me with that disappointed face which seems more and more common as I get older and utters, ‘You should be on a diet.’ Why does it always cut more when a family member states the obvious? So I might have put on a couple of pounds; you know what it’s like eating out all the time, cooking those calorie laden meals in a desperate attempt to distract your man from football or the skinny PA back at the office. It doesn’t help by the fact my Mum’s a skinny blonde rake and looks more like my sister than my mother. Great, this is doing wonders for my self-esteem; when even my own Mum thinks I’m unattractive. What chance do I ever have of meeting Mr. Right? Thank the Lord for my good old Dad, who in his wise way helps me with my bags and tells me my ex was never good enough for me in the first place. Well said Dad I think to myself, you took the word’s right out of my mouth."

I unload the boot of my car with the help of my Dad in utter silence. I knew that he didn’t know what to say with his silent disappointment and he was clearly tip toeing around me, fearful of me bursting in to tears, which is happening more and more as of late. I unpack my laptop and immediately log into Facebook to declare to the world I’m a free single woman again. ‘Yipeeeeeeeee’.... I try to tell myself for the second time today. Then the texts messages come in, you know the ones, ‘Charlie hun I’ve just seen your FB status you ok?xx’ Mainly from my male friends; it seems my old couple friends are ignoring me and I start to feel as though I’ve been kicked out of the club. F*** em’ I tell myself, Charlie is joining a new club, of the single kind............